Self-esteem: when you do not accept yourself

What self-esteem is

Self-esteem is how you treat yourself, especially when things go wrong. It is not confidence: you can be very good at your job, speak in public without a problem and still punish yourself inside every time you fail. It is not arrogance either, or believing you are better than anyone. Healthy self-esteem does not need to compare: it looks more like treating yourself with the same fairness you would show a friend.

It forms early and out of what is around you. What you were told as a child, how people reacted when you got things wrong, whether affection depended on results, the teasing at school, a relationship in which you were made to feel small. Over the years those outside voices become an inside voice that sounds like your own and sounds like the truth.

It is not a fixed trait. It can drop after a break-up, a redundancy or a run of failures, and it can recover. And it is not fixed by repeating positive phrases in the mirror: it is fixed by changing the relationship you have with yourself, which is something that can be learned.

How to recognise that it is low

• There is an inner voice commenting on everything you do, almost always against you: "you did that badly", "you will look terrible", "you are no good at this".
• You compare yourself to others automatically, and in the comparison you always come off worse.
• When someone praises you, you play it down, put it down to luck or think they are mistaken.
• You stay in relationships, romantic or friendships, that hurt you, because deep down you believe you do not deserve better or will not find it.
• You need everything to be perfect to feel even moderately fine, and any mistake confirms that you are not enough.
• You avoid photos, mirrors or video in meetings, and find it hard to look at yourself without judging.
• "I am not enough" plays in the background almost all the time, even if you never say it out loud.

What helps

Naming the critic. The voice that beats you down is not the truth: it is a learned habit. When it shows up, telling yourself "there is the critic again" puts distance between you. It stops being what you think and becomes something that happens to you.

Emotional validation. This means recognising what you feel as legitimate before judging it. If you are sad, nervous or hurt, that is real and it has a reason, even if you cannot see it yet. Low self-esteem does the opposite: you feel something and immediately tell yourself it is an overreaction, that you should not feel this way, that you are weak. Practising it is simple to explain and hard to do: name what you feel ("I am hurt"), accept that it makes sense given what happened, and only then decide what to do. It is what you would do for a friend. Learning to do it for yourself changes the tone of the inner voice.

Small evidence. The critic works in generalisations: "always", "never", "everyone". Writing down one concrete thing you did well each day, however small, does not convince you overnight, but it builds up evidence against it.

What therapy does. It helps you understand where this way of treating yourself comes from, spot the thoughts that keep it going and practise a different relationship with yourself between sessions, with someone who follows it with you. It also helps to see whether depression or anxiety sit behind it, as they often do.

What it does not do. It does not turn you into someone else or promise that you will stop doubting yourself. It works so that the doubt stops being in charge.

When to ask for help

Doubting yourself now and then is normal, and a spell of low self-esteem after a blow usually improves on its own as life settles.

It is time to talk to a professional if this way of treating yourself has lasted months, if it is holding you back at work, in your studies or in relationships, if it keeps you in situations that hurt you, or if you notice it comes with sadness, anxiety or giving things up.

If thoughts of hurting yourself or of not wanting to go on appear, do not wait: call 800 911 2000 (Línea de la Vida). In immediate danger, call 911. We Are Psycho does not provide emergency care.

• 

  Ainhoa Corbera

  Licensed psychologist · Clinical director

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• 

  Jack Díaz Ponce

  Integrative Wellness Psychologist

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• 

  Melanie Olvera Ventura

  Child and adolescent clinical psychologist

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Frequently asked questions

Is low self-esteem a disorder?

No. It is not a diagnosis in itself but a way of relating to yourself that can accompany other problems, such as depression, anxiety or eating disorders, or exist without any of them. Not being a disorder does not make it unworthy of attention: it is one of the most common reasons people seek therapy.

Can self-esteem change as an adult?

Yes. It was formed by learning, and what was learned can be revisited. It takes more effort than at fifteen because the habit has had longer to settle, but how you treat yourself is not closed at any age.

How many sessions does it take?

It depends on the person: how long it has been going on, whether other things sit behind it and everyone's own pace. Nobody can promise you a number. What does happen is setting concrete goals at the start and reviewing them together, so you know whether you are moving forward.

Related reading

• I can't accept myselfHarsh self-criticism and comparison can damage self-esteem. Learn practical ways to build a more supportive relationship with yourself.