I feel lonely: loneliness in young people and adults

What loneliness is

Loneliness is not being alone. It is the gap between the connection you have and the connection you need. That is why it can show up in a full house, inside a relationship or in a lifelong group of friends, and why some people live alone and never feel it.

It is a signal, not a flaw. The way hunger tells you food is missing, loneliness tells you a kind of contact is missing: feeling seen, being able to say what is going on, knowing someone cares. When that signal lasts for weeks or months it stops being a useful alarm and starts changing how you see yourself and other people.

It rarely has a single cause. It often arrives with a change in your social life (a new city, a new school or college, friends drifting away), with relationships that stay on the surface, with a hard time, such as a break-up or problems at home, that makes you feel nobody understands what you are going through, or with constant comparison on social media, where everyone else's life always looks fuller than yours.

It is very common and very rarely talked about. Nobody says out loud that they feel lonely, so everyone who feels it believes they are the only one. They are not.

How to recognise it

• There are people around you, but nobody you could tell how you really are.
• You avoid plans because they feel hard, then feel worse for having avoided them.
• You changed city, job, school or life stage, and the social life you had has not come back.
• You spend a lot of time on social media or screens and feel emptier when you close them.
• You catch yourself thinking you are a bother, that you do not fit, or that nobody would mind if you disappeared for a while.
• Sadness, tiredness or irritability have crept in with no clear reason.

What helps

Naming it. Saying "I feel lonely" out loud, even to one person, already changes something: it turns a vague feeling into a concrete problem that can be worked on.

Small, repeated contact. Loneliness is not fixed by one big plan but by brief contact that repeats: a message, a coffee, the same class every week. Consistency counts for more than intensity.

Recovering and opening up ties. Sometimes a message or a simple invitation is enough to pick up contact with someone who had drifted away. Stepping out of your routine helps too: a club, an association, volunteering or a group around something you enjoy are places where contact repeats without having to force it, with people who share your interests.

Looking less at other people's lives. On social media everyone shows what they choose to show. Comparing yourself with that widens the distance; using your phone to meet up or talk, rather than just scroll, narrows it.

Looking after your relationship with yourself. When you do not feel good about yourself, it is hard to open up and trust others. A few things help build that base: writing for a few minutes a day about how you feel, noting three things that went well each night, keeping some regularity in sleep, movement and meals, spending a few minutes breathing and paying attention to the present, or expressing yourself through something creative, such as drawing, playing an instrument or cooking. And treating yourself as you would treat a good friend going through a bad time, instead of punishing yourself with criticism.

Being fine alone, some of the time. Not every moment alone is loneliness. Doing what you enjoy even on your own, and using that time to rest or create, changes how being with yourself feels.

Checking the story you tell yourself. Over time, loneliness teaches you to read other people as a threat: "they will ignore me", "I will be in the way". Therapy works on exactly that filter, because it is usually what keeps loneliness going even after the situation changes.

What therapy does. It does not introduce you to people or organise your social life. It helps you understand what keeps you away from contact, tell loneliness apart from things that look like it, such as depression or social anxiety, and try small changes with someone who follows them with you.

What it does not do. It does not replace relationships. It is a space to recover the ability to have them.

When to ask for help

Feeling lonely for a while after a change is normal and usually passes as life reorganises itself.

When it drags on, it stops being just a feeling. It can bring near-constant anxiety or sadness, lower your self-esteem and your drive to start things, disrupt sleep and concentration, and make it ever harder to approach other people, so the isolation feeds itself. It raises the risk of depression and, according to the WHO Commission on Social Connection, prolonged isolation and loneliness are also associated with worse physical health, including higher cardiovascular risk.

It is time to talk to a professional if the feeling has lasted more than a few weeks, if it has started to affect your sleep, your motivation or your performance, or if you notice you no longer approach anyone because you assume it will not go well.

If thoughts of not wanting to be here appear, do not wait until next week: call 800 911 2000 (Línea de la Vida) or, in immediate danger, 911.

• 

  Ainhoa Corbera

  Licensed psychologist · Clinical director

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• 

  Jack Díaz Ponce

  Integrative Wellness Psychologist

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• 

  Melanie Olvera Ventura

  Child and adolescent clinical psychologist

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Frequently asked questions

Is feeling lonely the same as being depressed?

No, although they look alike and sometimes go together. Loneliness is the lack of a connection you need; depression affects mood, energy and interest in almost everything, even with people nearby. If in doubt, a professional can help you tell them apart.

Can I feel lonely with a partner or friends?

Yes. Loneliness depends on the quality of contact, not the quantity. You can have plenty of company and no conversation in which you feel seen.

How is loneliness worked on in therapy?

It starts by understanding what keeps it going in your case: a change of stage, how you read other people, anxiety about approaching them, a low mood. From there, small changes are tried between sessions and reviewed together.

Related reading

• I feel like I have no friendsFeeling friendless hurts, but it can change. Here are practical steps to build meaningful relationships and reduce isolation.