Caring for a teenage or young adult son or daughter with a mental health condition or disability

What caring involves at this stage

Caring for a son or daughter with a mental health condition or an intellectual or physical disability is a role nobody chooses and that has no hours. In adolescence and young adulthood, a new question also appears: how to support their move into adult life.

This stage has its own challenges. You have to find the balance between protecting them and letting them grow, because your son or daughter wants, and needs, more independence. Support changes: children's services end and adult services work differently. With a mental health condition there may be crises, hospital stays or periods when they do not want help. And once they are adults, information about their health is theirs, and they may choose not to share it with you, even though you are still the one holding daily life together.

Carers often grieve the life they imagined for their child, worry about the future ("what will happen when we are gone?") and carry years of accumulated tiredness. Add to that the relationship with a partner, other children and work. That strain is not a weakness: it is what happens to anyone holding up something that needs several people. Looking after yourself is not a luxury: it is part of caring.

How to recognise exhaustion

• Your life revolves around your son or daughter's needs, and it has been a long time since you had time for yourself.
• You live on alert, waiting for the next crisis, a phone call or a relapse.
• You do not know how much to protect them and how much to let them do, and every decision brings doubt and guilt.
• Worry about their future, and what will happen when you are gone, keeps you awake.
• Your relationship with your partner or your other children has suffered, and you feel you cannot do it all.
• You feel alone in dealing with services, paperwork and decisions.
• You are tired in a way that rest no longer fixes.

What helps

Understanding what is happening to them. Knowing your son or daughter's condition or disability well, what to expect and what helps, reduces uncertainty and lets you support them better. Ask their team everything you need to know and, where possible, take part in sessions or family groups.

Supporting their independence. Letting them do everything they can, even if it takes longer or they do it differently, and gradually increasing their responsibilities. Independence is built with practice, and it is what protects them most in the long run.

A plan for crises and for the future. If there is a mental health condition, agree with their team what to do when warning signs appear and who to call. And think ahead about the future: support, resources and trusted people, so that worry does not stay as just anxiety.

Sharing the care. Partner, family, respite services, centres and support programmes. Delegating is not abandoning: it makes sustainable what is not sustainable today. And do not forget your other children, who also need their own space and sometimes carry things in silence.

Talking to people in the same situation. Associations of families of people with disabilities or mental health problems are places where you do not have to explain anything, and where resources and experience are shared.

What therapy does. At We Are Psycho you have a space that is just yours. We work on guilt, grief for the life you imagined, worry about the future and burden, how to support their independence without disappearing yourself, how to set limits and how to look after your relationship and the rest of the family.

What it does not do. It does not replace your son or daughter's own treatment and support, which their team provides. Therapy helps you sustain the caring.

When to ask for help for yourself

Getting tired of caring is normal. It is time to ask for help for yourself when tiredness has turned into hopelessness, when no moment of the week is yours, when the situation is affecting your health, your relationship or your other children, or when you have felt for weeks that you cannot go on and have not told anyone.

If your son or daughter talks about hurting themselves or not wanting to go on, or there is violence at home, do not wait: call 800 911 2000 (Línea de la Vida) or, in immediate danger, 911. The same applies if you are the one having those thoughts. We Are Psycho does not provide emergency care.

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  Ivonne Nieves Valencia

  Clinical Psychologist | Specialist in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

  View profile

Frequently asked questions

How do I balance protecting them and letting them grow?

There is no single answer, because it depends on their abilities and situation. In general it helps to let them do everything they can, increase their responsibilities gradually and agree with their team which risks are reasonable. Therapy is a good place to think these decisions through without carrying them alone.

They are an adult now and do not want me to know about their treatment

Once they are adults, information about their health is theirs and they decide who to share it with. That is hard when you are the one supporting them. It helps to talk with them about what you need to know in order to help, and to lean on associations and your own therapy so you are not left alone with the worry.

What about my other children?

Siblings live through the situation too, and sometimes make themselves invisible so as not to add to the load. Setting aside time for them, explaining what is happening in a way that suits their age and giving them room to express what they feel, anger included, protects them.

How does therapy work at We Are Psycho?

It is online and confidential, and fits your schedule even if you have little room. You tell us what is going on, we suggest the psychologist who fits you best and you choose. If you have questions about how it works first, we explain it in a free 20-minute call, with no commitment.