Social anxiety and shyness: when silence weighs too much

What social anxiety is

For many people, speaking in public, starting a conversation or simply asking for help can be a very stressful experience. Faced with these situations, the mind projects all kinds of catastrophic thoughts: "I'll make a fool of myself", "they'll judge me", "I won't know what to say". These mental films set off the body's alarm system, as if you had to run from real danger.

So before you have even started speaking, you are already tense, with a racing heart, a shaky voice and a blank mind. The fear of rejection or of not measuring up freezes you. And because you avoid the situation, you never find out that reality is often far less dramatic than you imagined.

This loop of fear and avoidance can end up leading to isolation, to feeling alone or to missing important opportunities. The good news is that this fear can be worked on, step by step and with support.

How to recognise it

• Before speaking in public or in class, your heart races, your voice shakes and your mind goes blank.
• You spend days going over what you are going to say, or what you already said.
• You avoid starting conversations, asking questions or asking for help, even when you need to.
• You feel that everyone is watching and judging you, and that you are going to make a fool of yourself.
• You let plans, jobs or opportunities go so you do not have to put yourself out there.
• After being with people you feel drained or embarrassed, going over every detail.

How to start

Gradual exposure. There is no need to throw yourself in all at once. You can start by greeting someone you do not know or asking a simple question, and work your way up the ladder of social situations bit by bit. Every step you take without running away teaches your body that it can cope.

Changing the thoughts. When ideas like "everyone will stare at me" come up, practise thinking "I can make mistakes and still be worthwhile". You are not your mistakes.

Grounding in your body. While you speak, notice your feet on the floor, your breathing or an object in your hands. It keeps you in the present and helps calm your body.

What therapy does. At We Are Psycho we help you regain confidence in yourself and face social situations with more security and calm. Cognitive behavioural therapy is the recommended psychological treatment for social anxiety (NICE CG159): it combines understanding the thoughts that feed the fear with facing, at your own pace, what you avoid.

What it does not do. It does not turn you into someone else or aim to stop you ever feeling nervous. It works so that fear stops deciding for you.

When to ask for help

Feeling embarrassed or nervous in new situations is normal, and shyness is not a problem in itself.

It is time to talk to a professional if fear makes you avoid important things, such as classes, work or friendships, if it has lasted months or if you notice you are becoming isolated. And if you see your son or daughter suffering a lot in social settings, do not ignore it: this fear is not "just the way they are", but an emotion that can be understood and changed.

If thoughts of hurting yourself or of not wanting to go on appear, do not wait: call 800 911 2000 (Línea de la Vida). In immediate danger, call 911. We Are Psycho does not provide emergency care.

• 

  Ainhoa Corbera

  Licensed psychologist · Clinical director

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• 

  Jack Díaz Ponce

  Integrative Wellness Psychologist

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• 

  Melanie Olvera Ventura

  Child and adolescent clinical psychologist

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Frequently asked questions

Are shyness and social anxiety the same thing?

No. Shyness is a trait: some people take longer to open up, and that is fine. We speak of social anxiety when the fear of being judged is so intense that it causes a lot of distress and leads you to avoid situations you would like or need to face.

Can social anxiety be overcome?

It can be worked on. The psychological treatment with the most evidence is cognitive behavioural therapy (NICE CG159), which goes step by step and at your pace. Nobody can promise you a timeframe, but concrete goals are set at the start and reviewed together, so you know whether you are moving forward.

How does therapy work at We Are Psycho?

It is online and confidential, with psychologists who specialise in young people. You tell us what is going on, we suggest the psychologist who fits you best and you choose. If you have questions about how it works first, we explain it in a free 20-minute call, with no commitment.