When relationships hurt: conflict at home, bullying and toxic relationships

What happens to relationships in adolescence

In adolescence relationships reorganise all at once: the family stops being the centre, the group takes its place, and the first romantic relationships appear. Friction is normal. What is not normal is for a relationship, any relationship, to become a constant source of fear, humiliation or silence.

At home, conflict usually grows out of miscommunication: the teenager needs more autonomy, the parents need to know they are all right, and neither knows how to ask without shouting. The arguments repeat with the same script and each time less is said about what matters.

Bullying is something else. It is not a fight or a spell of not getting on: it is repeated, intentional harm from someone with more power, and today it carries on into the phone after class ends. And a toxic relationship, a friendship or a romance, resembles bullying in one way: it makes you smaller while convincing you it is love or loyalty. Controlling who you talk to, punishing with silence, checking your phone or making you feel guilty about everything are warning signs, not proof of affection.

How to recognise a relationship that does harm

• At home every conversation ends in shouting or closed doors, and for weeks you have not talked about anything that matters.
• They go to school afraid, invent excuses not to go, or come home with things broken or missing that they do not explain.
• They have stopped using the phone in front of you, or look at it anxiously every time it buzzes.
• Their friend or partner decides who they can be with, what they can wear and what they can post.
• After being with that person they are worse: quieter, more insecure, more careful not to be a bother.
• They apologise constantly, or justify behaviour that looks unacceptable to you.
• You, if you are the teenager: you feel you have to hide things so there is no row, at home or with that person.

What helps

Talking about what is happening, not what they did wrong. At home, swapping "you've done it again" for "tell me what happened" does not resolve the conflict, but it opens a conversation that reproaches close.

Naming bullying for what it is. Telling a teenager to "just ignore it" leaves them alone. Bullying is not resolved by putting up with it: it is documented, reported to the school and accompanied. The school has a duty to act.

Putting the limit on the behaviour, not the person. With a friendship or relationship that does harm, the way out is rarely an ultimatum; it is helping them see what is happening and decide for themselves. Banning the relationship makes it secret.

Getting the rest of life back. Relationships that do harm isolate. Going back to old friends, sport, the wider family restores the reference points to compare against.

What therapy does. In therapy the teenager has somewhere to say what they cannot at home, works on how to set limits and how to ask without attacking, and the family is supported in changing the script of the arguments. Where there is bullying, recovery is worked on, not just the episode.

What it does not do. It does not replace the school's intervention in bullying, or the police or protection services where there is violence. It coordinates with them.

When to seek help

Arguing at home, a bad patch with the group or a difficult break-up are part of growing up. It is time to seek help when conflict at home is daily and has gone on for weeks without a truce, when there are signs of bullying and the teenager does not want to go to school, when a relationship is isolating them from everything else, or when you notice they are quieter, more frightened or smaller by the day.

If there is physical violence, at home or outside, or the teenager talks about harming themselves, do not wait: call 800 911 2000 (Línea de la Vida). If there is immediate danger, call 911. We Are Psycho does not handle emergencies.

• 

  Ainhoa Corbera

  Licensed psychologist · Clinical director

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• 

  Melanie Olvera Ventura

  Child and adolescent clinical psychologist

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Frequently asked questions

How do I know if it is bullying or they just don't get on?

Bullying is repeated, intentional and there is an imbalance of power: one person suffers it and cannot stop it. A fight or a spell of not getting on gets resolved or forgotten; bullying repeats and escalates. If in doubt, act as if it is: talking to the school harms nobody.

My teenager won't tell me anything. What do I do?

Do not force the big conversation. They are closer in the small moments: in the car, cooking, without eye contact. And offer somewhere they can talk, even if it is not you: a tutor, a relative, a professional.

Should I ban that friendship or that relationship?

Banning usually turns the relationship into a secret and you into the enemy. It works better to ask how they feel with that person, point out what you see without judging and keep the door open for when they want out. Where there is control, threats or violence, intervening is necessary, and with professional support.

Related reading

• I feel like I have no friendsFeeling friendless hurts, but it can change. Here are practical steps to build meaningful relationships and reduce isolation.
• I have conflicts with my parentsFamily conflict is common in adolescence. Better communication and clearer boundaries can reduce daily tension.